Taste of Asia

So, yesterday, I was working out at the gym when I got this intense headache. The kind you get when you haven't had enough sleep the night before and forgo naps throughout the day or as I suspected--the kind you get when you have been drinking caffeine for several days and then just stop. Incidentally, I also have been eating rather poorly the past few days and sometimes I like to misattribute these things just to engender more positive habits. So, later, I went to HEB and loaded up on all sorts of rabbit food (this is relevant, I swear).

Today, I had to pick up two of my friends from the airport. Seeing as how class finishes at 11:15am and their flight was supposed to come in at 12:15pm and the airport is a good 30 minutes away, I didn't have too much time to dawdle. I promptly walked back to my apartment and was on the way there. Only a few minutes later did my stomach remind me that I forgot the lunch I packed on the kitchen counter. Too late to turn back, I pulled into the closest food joint I saw: Jack in the Box. Now, if you've never had Jack in the Box's 50 cent tacos, you have been seriously deprived. Those things are like crack in a greasy shell. So I got 4 of them (that's only $2 for you math people). Buuuuuut, seing as how my recent dieting score has not been quite up to par, I decided to get a side salad (If you're wondering, yes, that is what the entire first paragraph was leading up to). The lady at the drive through subsequently asked what kind of dressing I would like: ranch, bacon ranch, balsamic vinaigrette, or asian.

First thought: why do you have two kinds of ranch? Is ranch really so widely enjoyed that they had to come up with another version of the same thing just to appease the attrition of repeated taste? Furthermore, is it not enough to have 400 calories in one 2.5oz packet that you have to add bacon? And really, what can bacon actually taste like after mixed and packaged together with the most pungent, creamy, saucy dressing available? Which leads me to my second thought...

What the heck does asian taste like? Is there some essence of Asia that can be preserved in one 2.5 oz packet that is marketable to millions as a sweet topper of salad greens? And for that matter, what makes me think that it's going to be sweet? I suppose it doesn't have to be reminiscent of the ultra-sweet plum sauce that comes with you fity-cent egg rowl at Panda Express. Perhaps its regional. Maybe it's spiced with saffron or cardimum seeds of certain regions in the South Asian subcontinent. Maybe it's infused with the deep red chili pepper so generously used in Szechuan cuisine. Or maybe it's a commercialized version of kim-chee in salad dressing form. Perhaps there's a big pot at the Jack in the Box factory that mixes all said flavors together and voila: Asia.

Is this what Americans think of Asia when they order it? "Well, I've always wondered what Asia tasted like--Hey honey, come over here and taste Asia." The real question at stake here is: do I know what Asia tastes like? Does anyone? Is it the mango I eat in the mornings when I walk around the streets in Singapore? Is it the papaya salad I've tried countless times in Phuket? Or could it be the my mom's western-influenced culinary creations? On the other hand, is there a taste called America (some would argue KFC--the most prevalent and popular fast food in Asia)? Or even, to continue with the parallelism, North American? Is there some fusion of U.S., Mexico, and Canada that can be packaged and sold with a cheap salad?

Eventually, in the throes of this semantic obfuscation, I order the balsamic vinaigrette. I mean, come on. How awkward would that be if the Asian orders Asian dressing? Now, I wonder what other (perhaps more authentic) Asian people say when they taste this elusive Asian dressing. Do they think "this goopy translucent substance is supposed to remind me of home?" or "Wow. dang. That's it. That's Asia in a 2.5oz packet."